Fulfill the Law: Love God. Love People.
Maybe life really is just that simple.

Jan
03

For the last year, I’ve ranted about how much I want to come out to my parents but how terrified I am of doing so.  Of course, my nervousness is not anything unique, as LGBT people everywhere deal with anxiety of coming out, especially to someone as close to you as your parents.

This time last year, coming out to my parents was only a dream that would happen a long time away (or never, and I was ok with that).  But as time ticks on, it becomes even more unbearable to live a life of censorship.  And while the closet door is heavy… I feel that I’m about to push it wide open.

I’ve been watching coming out stories on Logo Online to help prepare myself.  Often, at the end, the person being told is loving and accepting and often suspected.  I smile at  how nervous those people were verses the good reaction received.  But then I look at my own self.  I have perhaps the perfect door to come out to my mom.  Let me tell you about that.

I have a best friend that I’ve known since Kindergarten.  Even though we went to colleges three states apart, we’ve continued to stay best friends.  My mom has taken her in as one of her own children, so my mom and this friend have a pretty close relationship.

Recently, my mom has been expressing to this friend how she doesn’t understand me, and she can’t understand why she doesn’t get me, though she desperately wants to.  My friend, who knows I’m gay, mostly just listens, not wanting to out me.  Well, my mom called her up the other day and flat out asked her if I was gay, and my friend said, “Well, she hasn’t told me she is, and I don’t think so, but you should really talk to her about that.”  Which was a lie, but she didn’t know what else to say.  Then my mom said, “But don’t you think so?”  and proceeded to list why she thought I was gay.  All my friend told her was, “You just need to talk to her about it.”  In the mean time, mom has been telling me that she loves me no matter what and that I could tell her anything, and it didn’t matter what it was, she would always unconditionally love me.

She clearly wants me to come out to her.  And man, I want to, but I’m still so terrified!  (Slap me.)  I guess I’m more afraid of my dad’s reaction than her’s.   And I know she would tell my dad.  I KNOW.  But really, I’m mostly concerned about my girlfriend, because she only has one semester left of school and doesn’t want anything to jeopardize that.     She definitely wants me to come out to them, but she’s scared they might try to get her kicked out of school.  Now, she has already given me her blessing to come out to them any time I feel the need to, but I do understand her concern.  I was TERRIFIED of being discovered and getting kicked out when I went to school there.

I know the time is now.  I’m just still so terrified.  Closet door… can someone else just open you for me?

I’m such a wimp.

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Dec
31

Wow, it’s been half a year since I last updated!  I guess time flies when you’re having fun.

And let me tell you, I’ve been having fun.  I haven’t found a job since my last post.  Nope.  I’ve been unemployed this whoooole time.  Which has been the source of much stress, but now I’m pretty chill about it.

I looked over a post I made a year ago about my hopes for 2009.  I spoke with excitement about gaining my first full-time job, graduating from college, and getting an apartment with the woman I love.  Let me just say that only ONE of those things happened; I graduated from college.

So no, I’m, unfortunately, still not independent from my parents, and 2009 did NOT meet my expectations; it exceeded them.  See, I didn’t get that apartment with my girlfriend; I bought a house.  (Yes, I’m unemployed, and I bought a house.  My parents are amazing.)  My girl and I are living in our beautiful two story home that I actually own.

I didn’t get that job I wanted.  But I am going back to school!  My BA is in counseling.  Coming from a Bible school and in this economy, potential employers were NOT impressed.  And honestly, I did not want to carry that school with me for the rest of my life.  I don’t even consider myself a Christian anymore, but I’ll talk about that more in another blog.  (I guess the “x” in “xiangirl” means ex-christian now.)  So I’m going back for a BS, this time in Computer Science!  I start my new, public,  can’t kick me out for being gay university in less than a week!

Ad life with my girl is going great.  We only continue to grow in love and passion for one another.  More friends know about us now, which is great, but our parents are still in the dark (which is a source of much anxiety for me), but with 2010 brining her graduation from Bible school, I feel that 2010 really WILL be the year of a lot of outing.  I hope to live open and proud in 2010.  I’ll update and let you random readers know how that goes.

Since my last post, while I haven’t been able to find a job, my girlfriend has!  She is full-time in school and holds a full-time job.  She’s even already gotten a promotion!  I can’t express how proud I am of her.

This post has been very sporadic, but so much has happened.  I’ll try to make the next post more focused and coherent.

Until next time, welcome 2010!  I’m sure we’ll have a gay ol’ time.

Jun
18

I guess this has officially become my journal for talking about my adventures and thinking as a gay person. In real life I rarely talk about it, which is probably why I spend so much time blogging about it.

But lately, I’ve really been wanting to come out to my parents. And I am TERRIFIED at the thought of it. They are both so anti-gay/think it’s disgusting/think it’s sinful… and so on. But I really want to be out and proud, because I’m really starting to feel quite happy about it. I guess I’m not happy enough to tell them yet. I’m just so afraid of what they are going to do… how they are going to react. All I want to do is not be hiding myself… I want to sport my rainbows and not feel ashamed. I want everyone to know that I’m in love with my wonderful girl. That’s really all I wanted to express in this post.

If you happen to read this and are a Christian, please, please, please read and respond to my previous post!!!

Thanks.

Jun
16

This is an open letter to all Christians,

I have been a believer for approximately ten years now.  A believer of what, you may ask?  A believer that Jesus the Christ is the only hope I have to achieve meaning in this life and life in the world to come (as opposed to the spiritual death of Hell).  I believe that because of the work Jesus did on the cross, my relationship with God was reconciled.  Yes, part of this process did involve repentance, as I had hurt God with my sin and needed to turn from those things that hurt God.  Since surrendering myself to Jesus, I have earnestly tried to daily allow God to control me and my actions.

However, most of you would probably not call me a Christian.  Why?  Because of my sexuality.  I am gay.  I have heard several prominent Christian leader call the term “gay Christian” an “oxymoron.”  I’m here to ask you, if you believe that as well, why?

Apparently I’m not a Christian because I don’t believe in Jesus.  I do.

Apparently I’m not not a Christian because I haven’t repented of my sin.  I have.   Most of you may respond with, “No, you haven’t!  You’re gay!  Obviously you haven’t repented!”  I want to ask you why you believe I’m sinning by being gay?  You can quote the Bible if you want, but I’ve read all the passages you’re going to throw at me.  I’ve read the entire Bible.  (Although, yes, I do need to continually study as one can never fully take it in.)  I personally think you are taking those passages out of context.  Before you go crazy on me (how else can you take them?!), I want to ask you if you have every seriously studied those passages or did you just use a keyword search to find them?  I doubt most of you have really studied them.  I have studied those six or so passages intensely for the past year.   From a moral standpoint, why do you believe being gay is wrong?

Some of you may say, “It’s not natural!”  I say that heterosexuality is not natural for me.  You ladies out there may not be able to help but look at some hot guy.  For years I’ve wondered why!  Guys just don’t do anything to me.  Now girls… that’s a different story.  But see, being “straight” doesn’t come naturally to me.

For those of you who wonder, I have a great relationship with both my mom and dad (always have), and I have never been abused.

You may say, “God didn’t design you to be that way!”  He didn’t?  If He didn’t, who did?  Yes, I know everyone “struggles” with different things.  So if it was just a “temptation”… how do you explain the complete absence of opposite-sex attractions throughout my life?  It seems to me if it were a “struggle” like any other sin, that opposite-sex attractions would still be present as well, since that would be a “natural” thing.  Do you see my point?

So all and any Christians who may happen upon this post… please give me your thoughts!

Your sister in Christ,

XianGirl

Jun
14

I was a little angry when I wrote my last post.  Apologies for the anger, but it sure made me feel better!

Anyway, I’m still unemployed, but I think I may have a job opportunity coming up soon.  I sure hope so, considering I move into my new house in approximately two months (which I am SO excited about)!  But as for now, I’m still kind of cruising through summer.  It’s nice, but I sure would enjoy it more if I knew I had a for sure job coming up.  Sitting around doing nothing starts to get really boring after awhile.  You start to think, “Hey, maybe I really can get enough of YouTube.  Oh, my life is kind of sad right now… in an “I’m a bum” sort of way.

And my precious girl… she is working her butt off with school and work.  I admire her and am proud of her for being such a hard worker, but I hate to see her so busy and stressed out.  The only downside to me possibly getting a full-time job soon is that she’ll be finishing up her summer classes around the same time, so I could’ve seen her more.  I miss her so much… sitting around on the internet all day while she’s working so hard.  I hope to be working hard soon too, though.  Really, I don’t like being a bum.  (Remember how in elementary school you started to get bored with summer?  You almost looked forward to school starting back up again.  Almost.)

So this is me sitting around on the internet while my girl is at work.  Bless her.

And I really don’t have anything else to say since… how much can a “sit around on the internet all day bum” say?  Oh yeah, besides check out Sarah Haskins’ Target Women segments from current.com!

May
29

I know that relationships are never easy.  If they were, the divorce rate in this country would be incredibly low.  And unfortunately, God has designed us to where those “in love” feelings fade after awhile.  Thus, after the feelings fade and life kicks in, things start to feel kind of shitty.

That was just a brief reflection on life.

Thankfully, I still feel very much in love with my girl, and I truly believe that she feels the same about me.  But, life isn’t so easy right now.  I really believe this is one of the most trying times we will face in our relationship.  (Probably not the most, but I think it’s up there.)  And you know what makes me really ANGRY?  The fact that if my relationship with her didn’t have to be so “taboo,” that a lot of our stress would go away.  For instance, my girl said today that she’s tired of hanging out with our friends and not being able to look at me like she wants to.  Why can’t she?  Because she said it would be obvious that she was in love with me.  And I feel the same way.  Now, you may be wondering how we can have so-called “friends” and them not know about us.  Well, we have a relatively new group of friends that we are forming.   They all attend the same college as my girl.  Thus, they can’t know yet… it would be too risky for her.  That in itself is another stressor.

And I guess I spend way too much time following “religious news,” as their obsession with fighting the homosexuals is fucking ridiculous.  It makes me angry to read it.  Why?  Because they don’t understand.  They just don’t understand.  And because of their influence, we have things that shouldn’t be a factor against us.  For example, our families… a lot of our “friends”… college.  The list could go on.  I mean, just imagine… imagine feeling so in love with someone on the inside while feeling forced to act disconnected on the outside.  AHHH.  And then, those who claim to love Jesus (and for the record, my girlfriend and I love Jesus) say that we’re perverted, and some say we should die.  I believe they honestly think that us homosexuals just got bored with heterosexual sex and had to seek out something different to get our sexual thrill.  Well… sorry… but a guy has never really “sparked” me at all.  My girlfriend, on the other hand, has set me on fire without even trying.  I think that says something.  And trust me… TRUST ME… I tried very hard to kill that “flame” she set in me… praying with tears… and you know what happened?  The flames only got stronger.  And it wasn’t just lust.  I was (and am) IN LOVE with her.  I know it’s love, because by now, the lust would’ve been ready to move on to its next person.  But even through the hard times, I very much love my girl that God has given me and have no desire to “move on”.

Now, you may have read the above and wondered how her not being able to look at me may ’cause problems.  It’s just… it’s just having to hide in general.  It’s having to pretend with almost everyone.  It’s knowing that my parents wouldn’t do certain things for me if they knew.  It’s knowing that some of my friends would no longer want anything to do with me if they knew.  It’s things like that.

It sucks.

But you know, this is what love does.  Love is not easy.  Love is free, but it still has a lot of work attached with it.  But beautifully enough, love is worth it.

It is very much worth it.

May
27

I found out yesterday that a guy who graduated from my college last year is gay.  YAY!  Now, I’m sure more than just him and me have been gay and graduated from there, but it is a rare occurance considering the very anti-gayness of my school.  When our state was trying to pass a “marriage amendment” last year, one of my psych professor’s aalllllmmooosssttt made it mandatory that we participate in calling people and telling them to vote “yes” on the amendment.  I was personally opposed, naturally, as I was currently (and still am) in a gay relationship.  But I couldn’t speak my mind without being called anti-Christian, and if they would’ve found out about me, I would’ve been kicked out.

Anyway, I’ve sort of went off on a tangent.  I can’t wait to call the above gay friend and discuss how he came to accept himself as gay, especially coming from our ultra-conservative school.  It is going to be great to swap stories.  I already know that God has given him an amazing guy, as He has given me an amazing girl!  I know this sounds cheesy, but I swear, I fall more in love with that girl every day.

The title from today’s post is a spin off of this anti-gay (and extremely paranoid) documentary by the American Family Association.   It’s called They’re Coming to Your Town. Check out the trailer here.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9zulfsy6Mg&feature=related

This video would be funny except… they are totally serious.  Watch it.  It’s like a horror film to them.  It’s absurd.  Christians need to stop being so paranoid, start focusing on helping others out instead, and live out what they believe.  I mean, if Jesus really is THE ONLY WAY to be saved and all others will be cast into Hell… shouldn’t they be focusing on leading others to Jesus too so they can be saved an go to Heaven?  My theory… as hard as they try, they really don’t believe that, or they would get off their asses, stop filming crap like this, and spread the GOOD NEWS and LOVE of Jesus.

Alright, I’m finished with my small rant.  Until next time!

May
20

So… I have officially graduated from Bible college with my BA!  *Jumps up and down* … and now I need a job.  *Sits still*  Luck would have it that I graduate from college at the suckiest time in recent economic history.  However, I have applied for a couple of jobs and am praying for a callback/interview.

But even so, I am so happy to no longer be bound in fear of my conservative Baptist college because I’m gay.  I mean, I lived in a small dorm room with my girlfriend.  I figured that during that year period, we would somehow get caught.  And at times, we almost did, but thankfully we now look back at those close calls with laughter.  I figure if anyone ever did hear any “weird” noises, then they would shake their head and think themselves perverted.  Haha.

I still can’t be out and proud, though.  My girlfriend has another year until she graduates.  BUT, things should be better since she’ll only be on campus two days a week, and we will be living, not on campus, but in the next town over.

I made an offer on a house for us last week, but the sellers let the offer expire.  However, I am waiting for a counter offer any day now.  I am soo anxious!  If it all goes through, I won’t close until the end of August, so I BETTER have a job by then, or I am gonna be in serious trouble.

My girlfriend and I are currently living for free with a family that offered to let us stay for the summer while I search for a job and my girlfriend takes summer classes and saves.  This is truly a gift from God.  However, we are still having to be “sneaky,” as I’m sure they would NOT let us stay if they knew we were together.  Ugh… when will the hiding end?  Even so, we are making work and are just happy to be together.

Needless to say, since I am currently unemployed and don’t have a permanent residence, I feel kind of stuck in limbo.  But if everything works out with the house and I get a job, then I am anticipating feeling pretty damn great.

Oh future, what do you hold?

May
10

It’s been awhile since I last updated… let’s see what all has happened!

Well, by the grace of God I am graduating from college in less than a week.  Yay!  That’s going to be a lot of pressure off my shoulders, as I hate living in fear of being “discovered” and getting kicked out of my conservative Bible college.  However, my girlfriend still has another year, so I will still have to be careful.  We are going to be living in another city though, which brings me to my next big news.

I will be searching for employment this summer and then, hopefully before fall, purchasing a home for my girlfriend and I!  We have a free place to stay until then.  I could have never asked God for a better situation.  God’s hand is all over it.

My girlfriend and I are doing great!  Our relationship just gets better and better.  We are still closeted to everyone but one friend, but hopefully that will slowly change.  I hope to come out to my parents sometime in the not toooooo distant future, although I sure don’t mind postponing it a little!  They are gonna… well… freak is too light a word.  But, I feel that God will work that out just as He has everything else thus far.

God is good!

Life is good!

So this was just an update to say… I was really freaked out and worried six months ago, but I am now seeing light.  It’s a beautiful thing!

Until next time…

Love people, and smile sometimes!

Feb
21

You can run from a lot of things: responsibility, relationships, reality… things that don’t start with “r”  too.  But you really can’t run from yourself.  At least not forever.  Because one day, you’ll be faced with the reality of who you really are.

I fought being gay so hard.  During my teen years, I was so uncomfortable with my sexuality.  I dated guys, but always wanted to be with girls more.  I denied that my feelings for girls were more than normal “friend” feelings.  I always wondered why my friends fought so hard against sexual temptations.  I had boyfriends.  They wanted to have sex.  I didn’t have a hard time refusing them.  I thought it was because I was such a “strong” Christian (thought being the key word), but a quote from But I’m a Cheerleader sums me up pretty well: “It’s easy to be a prude when you’re not interested, isn’t it?”

And so I go on to college to become a missionary and fall deeply in love a girl.  She, like me, was fighting being gay very hard.  But things kept progressing between us.  We kept praying.  And things kept progressing.  And we kept praying.  And you know what happened… as we prayed, we became even closer.

Most pastors say that we, we being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender peeps, are given over to unnatural desires because we despise God.  That is the one of the biggest lies I’ve ever heard.  When I started to fall in love with my now girlfriend, I was very close to God.  Even closer than I am now, unfortunately, but God and I are working on that.  My girlfriend also was spending lots of time with God and in His Word.  She also desired, and still desires, to become a missionary.  I still want to become a missionary.  Would someone who despises God have a desire to lead others to His Son?  Would someone who has been “given over to their own evil desires” want to bring glory to Yahweh and His Son Jesus the Christ?  I want that!  My girlfriend wants that!  And you know what… we’re gay.  It’s hard for pastors to recognize that people such as us exist.

But God must have brought me and my girl together.  We were both brought up in very anti-gay homes.  We were both trying to please God with all our hearts, and believing at first that being gay was wrong, we NEVER considered homosexuality an option.

But we couldn’t run from ourselves.  Through various situations, we were forced to come to terms with reality: we were in love.  And I cried out to God asking why He let it happen, because I thought it so sinful!  And He answered.  He blessed me a wonderful girlfriend.  He’s showing me things about the Scriptures.  And I couldn’t be happier about it.

When we die with Christ, our sinful nature dies as well, even though we struggle against it.  But friends, no matter what you’ve grown up thinking is wrong or right… when you’re faced with your reality… you just can’t fun from it.

I am a lesbian.

I love Jesus.

I am happy!

I am me.