Fulfill the Law: Love God. Love People.
Maybe life really is just that simple.

Pondering the Elusive God

Today, thoughts of God fill my head.  It wasn’t too long ago that I was fine declaring myself an agnostic, except this desire in my heart to break out in song worshiping God didn’t seem to leave, and that intrigued and confused me.  One night awhile back, at a time when I was almost sure Christianity had it wrong, I had a dream.  I was back at my old Christian college, in chapel, and the band was playing “From the Inside Out” from Hillsong.  I remember the congregation began to sing, “Everlasting.  Your light will shine when all else fades.  Never ending.  Your glory goes beyond all fame.”  And in my dream, I was so sad, because as much as I wanted to break into song and praise with everyone around me, I just COULDN’T.  Because I just COULDN’T believe.  And that made me so sad.  I woke up sad.  I felt sad the rest of the day.  I figured I was just mourning my belief in Jesus.

But now, a few months later, I’m questioning it all again.  IS God out there?  Does he or she care about us?  Is he a personal God that wants a relationship with us?  I used to be SO FIRM in my beliefs on this, and to hear anyone questioning this would’ve broken my heart.  To hear myself question it seems almost strange, honestly, as firm as I once was in my belief and my “relationship” with God.  But honestly, how can ANY of us find God?  I don’t know who I’m looking for!  I don’t know who God is.  I know what writers of the Bible say.  Can they be trusted?  I know what other Christians and Pastors say.  Can they know?  I used to think I knew.  Did I?  Did I have it right back then?  Is God hardening my heart?  Is God hiding?  Is God leaving me in the dark?  Did God allow me to fall in love with a woman then abandon me?  Did I abandon God?  I don’t feel like I abandoned God.  That is certainly nothing I would do WILLFULLY and KNOWINGLY.  Why would anyone who truly believe walk away from God?

These are questions that frequent my mind.  I don’t think they have answers.  I ask out loud for whoever God is to please reveal him or herself… and I’m still in the dark.  I read the Bible, but I’m not sure I can trust its writers.  I believe they believed what they wrote, but that doesn’t make it true.

Perhaps at this point in my life, all I can do worship when I feel the desire to worship and hope that God, whoever that Being is, hears.  But why would God even care to hear my words?   Why would God care to feel my emotions?  Can we bring him down to our level of emotions and words?  SHOULD WE bring him down to our level of emotions and words?

Maybe he is real.  Maybe that’s why I can’t shake him from my mind.  I want to serve him, but I don’t know what he wants.  I want to know him, but I don’t know who I’m looking for.  At this point, all I can do is grope in the dark.

To update on my life, things are going GREAT for Nikki and I.  Nikki just got promoted to become a manager of the store (a major chain) she has worked at for the last year and a half.  That means more than DOUBLE the money she was making.  I’m finishing up school, about to graduate with my second degree.  I’m receiving an award for  most outstanding student in my major in a couple of weeks.  My parents are doing wonderful.  Nikki and my’s love is strong and growing.

But to end this post, why do thoughts of God haunt me?  Does that mean you’re real…?

Full of questions.  Lost for answers.


4 Responses to “Pondering the Elusive God”

  1. All of us lose our way sometimes. It can be in the blink of an eye, we never see it coming and later…we wonder what in the world happened. God does not desert us, but He might stay silent for awhile until we seek Him again. After all, He gave us free choice and He will wait while we discover what we want. His very nature is all over the Bible. Keep reading and keep seeking. It sounds like you have turned into the right direction. It is brave to share this self-doubt with strangers. I will be reading your blog. Trust your instinct and listen to the music. It is full of truth and will help you in your journey.

  2. I think God expects us to wonder about this magnificent world…even about Him/Her. I found peace when I realized, no matter what my faith or religion, God was with me. I’m sure you will find the answers that you seek…the one’s you need to know.
    Anyway, Here’s one of my fav quotes from Eat, Pray, Love, “You bear God within you, poor wretch, and know it not.” Live.

  3. “Is God hardening my heart?”

    I always wonder this.

    Also, I never trust ANYTHING. Even the Bible.

  4. I dare to say that I totally understand where you are coming from. I was raised as a Christian and has been a fundamental believer for many years. Then, because I focused on man and not God, I became disillusioned with the church and separated from other believers. I have always questioned and doubted, but was doing more of that after leaving the church. But you know what? I then learned that asking questions and doubting is a way to learn more about God. I realize I will never “know” entirely who God is, but I can start experiencing God (or whatever you want to call it) by serving others. This has been my understanding of the Gospel. Jesus said “Love your neighbors as yourselves”. The Beatitudes is an introduction to what God wants us to do to live the Kingdom of Heaven. So, having this new and fresh understanding of the reason for being on earth, I started a more profound relationship with God, by simply loving others and serving the poor. It is not based on what church officials have taught me, but what I have personally learned. It is not serving the church, but serving those in need. I encourage you to pray to God so that you can have a genuine and profound relationship with Him. Start welcoming questions, and don’t put God in a “box” to fit your personal agenda. God is greater than religion. When we go to heaven, then we will fully know God. In the mean time, we just have to take care of each other, with a humble heart, and live “heaven on earth”. For more on my personal journey, you can visit my blog. God bless and take care!

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