Fulfill the Law: Love God. Love People.
Maybe life really is just that simple.

“I sent the damn email.”

I did it.  I really did it.  I didn’t think I could do it, but I did it.  I came out to my parents.

This has been the hardest experience of my entire lifetime.  As a family, we’ve gone through several tragedies, but personally, this has been perhaps the most painful thing to happen to me in my short 23 year life so far.

So what happened?  Well, my cousin in a lesbian.  I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that on here before.  She and her girlfriend are getting married in November, and she asked me to play guitar at their wedding.  I didn’t tell my mom.  I figured my aunts would tell her.  And a couple of weeks later, they did.  Mom called me upset and “thrown for  a loop” since I didn’t talk to her about it.  The conversation went a little like this:

Mom:  So… why didn’t you tell me about Holly?

Me:  Oh, uh… you mean… I guess you’re uh, ah, talking about her commitment ceremony.

Mom:  And you’re supposed to play guitar.  Why didn’t you tell me?

Me:  Well Mom, you know, I knew you’d freak out.  And I figured your sisters should be the one to tell you.

Mom:  Well, I’m hurt.  And I’m confused.  And I just worry about you.

Me:  Why do you worry about me, Mom?

Mom:  I just do!  You don’t date men…

Me:  *Heart attack*

Mom:  You there?

Me:  Yeah.

Mom:  Is there something you need to tell me and your Daddy?

Me:

Mom:  Is there something?

Me:  What do you want me to tell you?

Mom:  I don’t know.

Me:

Mom:  Well, it’s just not natural.  I don’t care how accepting society is becoming, it’s just NOT NATURAL.  It’s not what God wants.

And then our conversation changed and quickly ended, as I was holding back tears.  I went into the living room where my fiance (Nikki… she graduated (yay!) … I’ll share her name now.) was sitting.  I was welling up with tears.  “What’s wrong??” she asked.  “Well, no one’s dead, don’t worry,” I replied.  “Mom just… she pretty much flat out asked me if I was gay, and I couldn’t tell her!  I want to so bad, but I couldn’t tell her!”  And thus began a night of consistent, hard crying.

I was TORE UP emotionally.  I stayed up crying well passed 3 A.M.  I almost threw up on Nikki while she held me.  I tried to calm myself down by listening to some music and writing my Mom a letter.  It was super long.  But I didn’t send it.  The next morning, I was still SO UPSET.  Nikki said, “I want you to send them the email.  We can’t keep going through this.  You can’t keep putting yourself through this.”  Later, my best friend called.  She too said I just needed to get it over with.  I started crying on the phone with her.  She said it was the first time in our 11 year friendship that she’d ever heard me cry.  I knew they were both right.

Nikki had to go to work, but she called me every hour to make sure I was ok.  My friend called frequently too.  Finally, around 7 PM, I called Nikki at work.

Me:  So, I finally put my mom’s email address in to send the letter.

Nikki:  Yeah… are you going to send it?

Me:  I don’t know!  I want to.  I just… I just can’t!

Nikki:  Just send it, baby.

Me:  I don’t think I can.

Nikki:  Do it for me.

Me:  I just… I can’t take it back.

Nikki:  Well, I support you with whatever you decide.

*Silence*  I put my mouse over the send button.

Me:  Ok, I put my mouse over the send button.

Nikki:  Just get it over with.  You can do it.

And in a moment of mental exhaustion, I sent it.

Me:  Ok… ok… I pressed send.  I did it.  I did it.

Nikki:  Thank you, Baby.  I’ll be home soon.  I’ll keep talking to you now too.  It can only get better.

The only thing I could think was, “There, I sent the damn email!”  One problem, though, was that I didn’t know when my mom would read it.  30 minutes later, my phone rang.  It was my parents!  OMG.

Me:  *soft and sad*  Hey.

Mom and Dad:  Hey!  How are you?

Me:  Well, to be honest I’ve been kind of upset the last two days.

Mom:  Why Baby?

Me:  I just sent you an email about it a few minutes ago; I guess you haven’t read it.

Mom:  Talk to me, Baby.

Me:  It’s in the email.

Mom:  Are you crying?

Me:  Yes.

Mom and Dad:  We love you.

Mom:  I’ll go read it.  I love you no matter what.

Dad:  I do too.

Mom:  We’ll call you back.

An hour passed.  I paced back and forth in my house.  I was terrified.  Why weren’t they calling back?  I mean, it was a long letter, but not THAT long.  Finally, after over an hour, my phone rang.

Mom and Dad:  *apparent they had both been crying*  We love you always.

Dad:  I love you.  Nothing will change that.  And we always want you to come around.  But promise me this.  Promise me ONE THING.  Just promise me ONE THING.  If I have ever asked anything from you, it’s this, and you better remember me asking you this for the rest of your life.

(My heart almost stopped… or maybe it actually did.  OMG what was he going to say?  I’d never heard him this serious.  I’ve never heard him cry.)

Dad:  Bury me.

Me:  What?

Dad:  Bury me.

Me:  What do you mean???

Dad:  Outlive me.

Bless their hearts.  They main thing they were concerned about was me possibly killing myself!  I didn’t see that coming!  I assured them I wasn’t going to, they said a few “I love yous,” and we got off the phone after I told them I’d come over the next day.

I felt pretty good!  They didn’t say anything negative.  I felt so happy and relieved!  Little did I know what the next day would bring.

The best way I can describe it is attending my own funeral (and my death was my fault).  Mom didn’t even hug me when I walked in.  She just lay there, under a blanket, with a rag she was using to wipe her tears.  After a period of silence, my Dad came in and sat with us.  For over an hour, they said hurtful, ignorant things about both gay people and Nikki.  They were upset.  They were angry.  They were venting.  It was horrible.  Mom doesn’t even want me to have my inheritance since they’ll be no one to pass it on to.  (And they DO NOT want me to adopt because it is no way to raise children.)

It’s been two weeks.  Things are a little better.  Even though they’ve said hurtful and ignorant things here and there (my mom thinks I chose this to be different), I believe they are honestly just trying to move on.  And I know they’ll need time.  Even though it’s been painful, I still feel better.  I have my integrity.  I have my Nikki, who I can now honestly say I’m proud of.  Indeed, I have my pride.  And as hurtful as my parents have been, I feel pretty good about myself.

I feel like a real gay person now…

… now where’s my t-shirt?

Advertisements

3 Responses to ““I sent the damn email.””

  1. This is incredible! I get really emotional when I read coming out stories. Ah! But I’m so proud of you! And hopefully, one day your parents will come around. I’m glad that you have Nikki supporting you every step of the way! 🙂

  2. Just read your entire blog and it echoed so much of my life. My story is so similar to yours except I took oh so much longer as in years longer to come out to my family. I do believe your parents love for you will win out in the end. Despite their christianity my parents have accepted my family (I am married and my wife and I have two children together and in our country South Africa we are both legally recognised as parents even on their birth certificates). But they will probably never stop hoping and will always believe that its not Gods will etc. But if I want them to accept my life I have to respect that they believe differently. The first couple of months are hell and every now and then we have our moments like last night when I overheard mom commenting to my dad something about my son not knowing how to stand and pee beacuse he doesn’t ever see it. But he’s only one for goodness sake. So yes sometimes I still want to shake them a little but overall we have a wonderful relationship. We visit every weeked and my mom adores her grankids. Give them and yourself a little space and don’t spend your life examining every aspect. Live your life to the fullest – be yourself and show them you are still the daughter they raised. Be respectful but firm on your decisions without rubbing it in their face. Look forward to hearing how things are going for you and I believe that it will get so much better!

  3. Thank you both for your kind comments! It really means a lot to me to hear from you guys. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: