Ready or not, here I come! Coming out to myself.

I’m not a lesbian. *Looks at self in mirror* I’m not a lesbian. I like guys. I like guys? Yes, of course I like guys. I like guys… *Looks in mirror* Crap, I’m a lesbian.

Yes, I also talk to myself. Anyway, this is kind of what it looked like the day I “came out” to myself. That seems like a strange concept, doesn’t it? Coming out to yourself? I get this image of me staring in my body-length mirror on my closet door with another me jumping out and screaming “Gotcha!” with a slightly scratchy voice. This may not have been quite as frightening as the real mental acknowledgment.

So as “accepting” as people are with homosexuality today, what’s the big deal? Especially with so many people coming out. Clay Aiken… that N-Sync dude awhile back. Man, even Ray Boltz… every old person’s favorite Christian artist to sing at church… came out as gay. It’s not a big deal anymore. Well, it is to me. And I wish I could be happy with it. In a way, I am happy with it. I can look back over my childhood and adolescence and can clearly see this day coming. Indeed, there is a bit of celebration in my heart. But not complete celebration. Why not? Because I’m a Christian, and I’m just now starting to realize that I can be both a Christian and gay.

Why am I blogging about this? Because I need to get this out, mostly to myself. To be honest, I’m too scared to tell the world yet. Too much is at risk. This is why I stay anonymous for now. Only one other person knows… and that would be my girlfriend. Only one person knows about her too… that would, of course, be me.

So what is at risk, you may wonder? Family/friend relationships, yes, as all GLBT people understand. But my college career is also at stake. See, I currently attend a conservative Bible college. I am very close to graduating. If they found out… I would be kicked out… faster than I could say… well… anything. (That “faster than” thing is overused anyway.) If I were kicked out, then my parents and family would automatically find out too. That is NOT the way I want them to find out. So I hide… I hide myself. I hide my relationship with my girlfriend. Do you know how much that hurts? You probably do in some way.

It was really hard to come out even just to myself. I denied it for awhile. I can’t believe how much so, in fact. There I was, passionately kissing this girl I’d been friends with for a couple of years… feeling the most intense connection I’d ever felt. Crud, it felt intense holding her hand the few months before the kissing began (as if that wasn’t a sign too). And I still considered myself straight? This is just. how. much. I couldn’t accept the fact. Why? Because I was a Christian. I loved Jesus. I still love Jesus! Can you hear the fight in my voice even now?

So I prayed. Not enough. Still haven’t prayed enough. Can’t pray enough. You get the picture. And I just can’t… can’t… understand how being gay could be a sin. I never understood it when I claimed to be straight either. Of course, there’s a reason for that. I’ve read the Bible. I’ve read it a lot. Again, not enough. I’ve studied it. I’ve tried to use good biblical exegesis of the texts supposedly against homosexuality. I’ve read articles. I’ve listened to sermons. I’ve heard my professors speak out against it. I’ve tried to take it all in with a non-rebellious heart.

One sermon by John MacArthur made me kind of angry, though. I found it on YouTube. In it he said he refused to use the term “gay” or “homosexual” but preferred “Sodomites” because “that’s what the Bible calls ‘em.” (Which, if you research that you find it’s is a TOTAL lie. What he’s referring to as a “Sodomite” is actually a “male-cult prostitute.” I am not a male or a prostitute and certainly not a prostitute for religious purposes.) He kind of screamed throughout the sermon, which I know is not uncommon for preachers, but is it really necessary? Anyway, he made it clear that there is no such thing (in his opinion) as a “Christian Sodomite.” If a homosexual claims to be a Christian, they are lying, because they are really apostates! They have abandoned God and the faith.

Now, I am not here to debate Scripture on this post. There are tons of websites out there already who can speak far more intelligently on the subject than i can (from both viewpoints). However, MacArthur is clearly pointing to Romans 1:26,27 for this argument that all Christians who also claim to be homosexual are apostates. I can’t remember if he explicitly states this in the sermon or not. He probably does. Regardless, I must admit that in the not so distant past I would have agreed with him. “The Bible clearly states it,” I thought. “They must have abandoned God and His ways.”

You know, that’s really easy to say when you’re honestly straight. We’ve been taught for years that God is very much against homosexuality, and it’s really easy to believe it and go with flow when you’ve never “struggled” with it personally. It’s easy to say, “That must be the way it is. These people give up on God. They stop believing. They knowingly rebel and choose to sin against God.”

Now, I really, really, understand that this is just simply not the way it is. I didn’t choose to be attracted to this girl. I didn’t want to be attracted to this girl. I hated the fact that I had felt like I liked girls long before I really fell in love with one. And at a point in my life where I was seeking God harder than ever… when God was really working in my life… I found myself in love and in a relationship with a girl. Well-meaning people like John MacArthur just CANNOT understand that this can be… but it is. Take it from someone who’s been there very recently… IT IS. And that’s a message I want to shout to the world… after the one of Christ and His redemption.

Personally realizing that what most evangelical Christians believe the way homosexuality is (a sinful, God-hating choice) is wrong, causes me to question many things I previously believed God taught in His Word. I question translations of the Bible even more than before. I super question interpretations and applications. Because I know that some things are just plain wrong and based off tradition. I feel like I’m in a good place.

I want to know God. I want to know what He teaches. There is one thing I DO know. The most important command is to love God. The second is like it, and that is to love people. Is following rules the same as loving God? No. Yes, obeying God shows our love for Him… but obeying Him is not the sole way we love Him.

So I leave you now with a few simple thoughts. One, love God. Two, love people. Three, seek to find out what God really says in the Bible, then live it out. Four, don’t repress who you are. And five… well… understand that maybe the Law really IS summed up in one word.

Love.